Somehow I'm getting more and more pessimistic recently.. I feel sad, I feel that I'm living in fear... How I hope the time would just stop..that my body will stop changing...as each day passess, I'm getting weaker.. the deterioatioon is so obvious that I can feel it week after week... I'm so scare that I'll be wheel-chaired anytime... I don't know when I won't be able to walk again. this feeling, this thought is driving me crazy,, I dun wanna even think about it, but it can't be help...such fear, such pessimism will just drift into my head unknowingly.. whenever I walk around, i'll sub-consciously think about it... is it a bad omen? that sign that I'm nearing "wheel-chair"hood? I dare not think about it... I'm so scare...

Somehow, this fear waver my stand of going to university.. I was very sure that i wanna go uni.. but right now, I actually giving a second thought, i can't believe it... This is what i am scare of... 4 years is too long.. I"m already feeling that i might get wheel-chaired soon.. what if even i graduated from uni, no one wants to hire me? wouldn't i be wasting my dad's money, and burden him for the rest of his life? Should i just go secure a job after poly, impress the boss, gain enuff experience and secure the job for good?.....

Another way to look at it... since i know i'll be wheel-chaired, shouldn't i make-up my short-coming with good qualification, at least i ;ve the brain to offer to employer? since i will not be mobile like normal ppl, i should further my education as far as possible, and get a deskbound high salaried job... most manager are on their desk most of the time right.. dilenma? I just can;t decide on the best option... but i know deep inside me, i wanna go uni, so going uni will still be my stand...

I apologize for the extreme pessimism, I just have to let out, if not i'll go crazy,....