Sense of loneliness lingers in me from time to time.. Sometimes I feel like no one in this world truly understands me. Is it because no one actually knows all aspects of me but myself? At the same time, sometimes I don't even understand myself.

My inner thoughts seem to be entrapped in a vacuum, an apparent impenetrable barrier that separates the real "me" from others. Many times, I tried to break through the barrier when I see glimpses of light at its peripheral but I seems to be unable to break through the barrier totally.

How I wish someone will appear one day and try to penetrate from outside the barrier on one of the spots which I tried breaking through half-way, and discover the real me in this cold vacuum...

Met up with Gilbert and Alex for dinner at Chomchom yesterday. We ordered a very big spread of local delights (Kangkong, satay, stingray, chicken wings, shells, oyster egg) and ate to our fullest. It was a great meal.

Then explored a bit around the area to find nice chill-out place. To our dismay, the ktv pubs are quite "uncle" there and they play mainly hokkien song. (not that we have anything against hokkien songs, but we all sing chinese songs, so it might be a little out of place). Then decided to just go Bliss @ punggol park to have some wine. Jonathan joined us for bliss. After that we found that it's warm and humid there and decided to go KTV @ hougang green. However, the ktv rates were not favourable so we ended up drinking beers at the coffee shop. I didn't drink much and was quite quiet. I guess perhaps I'm shagged out by the travelling.

As I was walking with Alex, we discussed abit about my condition and me getting a wheelchair. He's very supportive and shared with me positive opinions about using a wheelchair. I touched that he said that even if I'm on a wheelchair, they will still bring me around to chill out and taking care of me. In fact I know that they will because we are best buddies. They are concerned about my condition because they realized that I'm been deteriorting quite a bit recently..

Walking around is indeed more difficult for me now and it gets dangerous sometimes, especially when I'm alone. I'll consider a wheelchair more seriously these few days.. Well, I won't get melanchonic over this, it's holidays afterall.

I just ordered 3 books on kinokuniya webbook:
1. The little prince
2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
3. 20 Greatest Philosophy books

I think they will be delivered to me on wed or thurs. Looking forward to reading them :)

I found this blogskin and I simply love it, especially when it's coupled with the song Sanctus 2 by Libera.

Went to Hougang point to have dinner with Jonathan and Alex. It's like about a week since I last stepped out of my house. I was shocked that just crossing the road made me so tired, along with the worry that some cars would horn me for crossing the road so slowly. Thank goodness that I reached the other end in time. I felt so bad that Jon and Alex waited for me for quite long.

Then settled down for dinner and drinks with them. I always enjoy their company. Though I'm a person of little words, I'm always so amused to be part of chit-chat with them, time just flies. After the drink, as we were leaving kopithiam, I lost my balance and fell down. The other people around me thought I was drunk. I was not and my buddies have to help me explain that I'm inconvenient in my movements. They helped me up and as I slowly walked on, the on-lookers accused them for not holding onto me while I walked. It's not the case!! It's because they know that I prefer to walk without support. Jonathan and Alex, I'm so sorry for that and sorry that I did not turn around to explain to the on-lookers. I'm quite disappointed that I did not have to "courage" to do that.

Then we continued to walk to my house. The short distance was hell for me. I couldn't feel that I was walking. My walking speed was so much slower that I've to cross the road with the time for 2 traffic greenman. I was panting and sweating just walking home. This is really bad. I've weakened noticeably since the holidays started. Although I appeared nonchalent, I'm sad down inside.

I started to ponder if I should get on a wheelchair. With my reduced ability to walk smoothly, I realized that I've developed some kind of phobia to go out and move around in public. Now, the thought of me having to cross the road panick me. I wonder if a wheelchair will make me feel more secure. I've been avoiding this consideration because I want to walk as long as I can and I don't want to burdened my family and friend. Whenver I think of a good point of using wheelchair, many negative feelings and thoughts overwhelme me.. Guess I'll just monitor for the time being to decide what is best for me..

It has been a really long while since I last blogged. Anyway, for some reason, I'm back to blog again.

Having my summer vacation now. It's so long.. fortunately I'm taking up a summer class philosophy and it's starting in about 5 weeks time. Can't wait for it to start. I've been staying at home all these while. Kinda feel unsafe to go out.

I've been thinking quite alot lately. My body seems to get noticeably weaker again. It's getting harder to walk about. My body has been feeling stiff all over. My mood is kinda affected by it.. started to consider using a wheelchair again. It's a struggle inside me, hope I'll see the light soon.

School wise, I can't help but keep thinking about my 2nd major. I'm considering between finance and marketing. Honestly speaking, I'm not really interested in finance, or rather I've not really been exposed to finance so it's a new thing for me. However, it seems like something useful to learn and get into and the prospect is quite good. For marketing, I've some interest in it but it seems like the career in marketing requires active interaction with people and creativity, which are some factors that I'm weak in. Furthermore I can't imagine myself doing a marketing job. I hate to coordinate events and talking with external people. Anyway, somehow, it seems like I'm tending towards finance. Initially I thought it was because of Bernard that I wanted to take finance. I guess it's not the case. It seems like it is something I want to try. It'll definitely be challenging for me, but I believe it's worth trying. I'll consider for a few more days before confirming my choice.

I never think that I'm a community service person. Ever since LTB, I've been associated or involved in community service project. After the LTB module ended, I continued on to offer administrative support on voluntary basis to a charity organisation. After i completed my own community service, the manager offered me to stay as project coordinator/intern for the 2 youthforcause project teams doing community service projects with the organisation.

It doesn't end with that. I was elected as Vice-President to SMU Rotaract, a service club that is actively involved in community service. Thus my world revolved around community service. Last time, i used to think that because of my disability, the things i can offer to the community is limited. I had the impression that community service involves moving around alot. Apparently, it is not true, I can actually contribute to the community in my own way. In fact, helping others is the greatest thing to do. Seeing the joy that you bring to others is really great!!!!

I tried on a light wheelchair to move around Junction 8 on Monday. Sherena has been encouraging me to take up a wheelchair for travelling long distances and coincidentally her friend using a light wheelchair dropped by and Sherena arranged for me to try on her friend’s wheelchair.

The first 15 min or so moving on the wheelchair in the office and lobby was ok, probably because it’s on flat terrain and there was no one around. After sufficient warm-up I decided to head for J8 shopping mall downstairs. I realised that many people was looking at me or I would say peeking at me. probably thinking “oh poor boy, so young on wheelchair le”. (I do look young even though I’m already 23 years old.) The feeling wasn’t great, I felt slightly inferior, to be so low in the public, hidden among the crowd.

I understand that the sympathic look indicate their care and concern, I’m just not used to it. or may I just overly sensitive.

When I tried to roll up the small slope into the lobby while I was heading back to office, I wasn’t able to do do quickly and the automatic sliding door was closing on me. Kinda scary, fortunately 2 kind ladies quickly stood near the sensor to open to door. I wonder if I would have been crushed by the door, or if the door would be crushed by me.

Then Sherena came down and asked me to try the very steep slope leading to Bishan MRT. A not so good experience. The slope was extremely steep when I looked at it siting on the wheelchair. I didn’t manage to get up the slope. I can;t row my wheelchair fast enough and as soon as i release the wheel to roll up, I was sliding back. I was just just gripping tightly to the wheel in the middle of the slope (actually only 1/4). Again there’s a emphathetic and kind gentleman who pushed me up the slope. If not I would have rolled down.

Then I’ve to wheel down the slope to go back to the office. Going down was equally scary. I was worried that I might just flew off the wheelchair if I let go too much. So I was there gripping to the wheel tightly and letting go slowly over many intervals. Despite Sherena motivating me to let go I can’t do it. I was too scared. Only let go fully when I was near the flat surface.

Quite a bad experience. The more cruel part is I realized that a wheelchair is so limiting in improving my mobility. Yes, I do move faster than walking but it doesn’t last. My hands got tired quite fast. I started panting after pushing for 30 minutes. Furthermore, once there’s a steep slope, I would be done for. Sherena said I can always ask people for help if I encounter steep slope and in fact I won’t encounter steep slope all the time.

Hmm, guess there’s many tradeoffs to move faster, hard to consider. In actual fact, I don’t want to be on a wheelchair yet. logically it’s better for me but emotionally I want to walk as long as I can. Even if I fall down, I still wanna walk, walk till the day I can;t walk anymore..
Dilenmasssss!!!!!

Realized that I've not been blogging since eons.. actually just about 6 mths?? maybe.. So I'm back to take a look..

Think no one's reading my blog anymore, so i hereby declare death of my blog. lol.. Well..

Nothing's much about school, more or less adapted to SMU's culture.. not sure if i'm already integrated into it.. But in the first place, what is there to adapt to? Am I giving myself excuses? Just prepare and speak out in class and chiong all the way for projects.. and prepare for TONNES of projectsssss meetingsssss......

Anyway, think the glory of my academic life is over.. The feeling of "I am good in everything, I'm smart.. I'll definitely score etc" I had in poly is not longer here now.. Things are just not right here. Subjects I thought were easy became hard. Subjects i tot i'll do well in, but did not. Surprisingly, subjects I didn't think I'll do well in, I did well.. It is so freaky strange.. Is it due to complacence??? Probably

I'm supposed to be STUDYING for exams now, which are just a few days away..No drive though.. I better go find the drive now.. ciao...

As usual I can't sleep yesterday. It was 9 am today and I was still bright awake. Decided not to sleep to reset my body clock. School is starting soon and sleeping at 4am and waking up at 4pm would be disastrous. Guess what I did? I went shopping, spent $200 plus. Argh. I'm such a money-spender. Bought a cool slim jade-ceramic salonstraight with a nice LCD screen and adjustable temperature. Tried on a few bundles of my hair, result is quite effective. Also bought 2 bermudas and a cap from 77th street. Hee. Well I shall take it as my Birthday Present for myself. After treating my buddies I'll have to stop spending.. got to reserve some money so that I can have a nice term 2 at SMU (everything is so exp).

Looking forward to my birthday celebration with my buddies (the best friends I ever know) hee =]

Time really flies.. My one month term break is coming to an end in just a few days. My birthday celebration will mark the end of my slacking days. (hehe.. *hint*).

Hmm, I'm suppose to reflect on the under-performance in my grades.. but guess I didn't do much about it. The relevelation of my results did somehow "wake" me up. I believe the primary reason for the below expected is I didn't work very hard.. imagine revision just 1 day before. With this the B average grade I got seem quite miraculous to some extent. Well, I must said I did learn something good from the subjects. Initially, I thought that I would not be too bothered about grades as long as I learnt something. However, I'm wrong. I'm super bothered about my grades. It's an habit I developed in poly days. Thus, I can't let this underperformance continue.

So my new year resolution is to aim for A for every subjects and score A- average at least for the coming term, to push my GPA to 3.3 and above by the next semester, and 3.5 and above for subsequent terms. Some action plan is to participate more in class discussion, plan properly for projects, do sufficient revision for all tests and exams.....

Hey, I've finally posted a new entry since many months ago.

Took this opportunity before school reopens to give my blog a new look. Death note is so cool. L and Light are so damn smart..

Went for SMU Convocation today. Quite boring though. We were brought to another ballroom which we watched the live telecast of the actual ceremony. No one was paying attention to it lo. Then second part was a award ceremony for the orientation camp. Ok, I didn't go for the camp so I was groupless and the award ceremony has no meaning for me. Felt so isolated.. one lonely person sitting there, when everyone around me knew each other during camp.. Furthermore, I was not even given a group for the convocation. I'm being forgotten...

Fortunately, the "concert" was good, alot of talented vocalists displayed their magical singing voices.. Just that my left ear was suffering alot due to the high volume. After working at call centre for 3 months, my ear's threshold level to loud sound seems to decrease by alot. I'm hearing alot of funny sounds in my ear when exposed to loud volume.

To add on to it, the ballroom was so cold and my bladder was accumulating.. Worse, I realised that there's no support in front of me to help me stand up.. I've to bear with my nature call.. The chance came when everyone was requested to stand up and the person infront pushed his chair backwards.. Good, there's support now. So I seized the chance, stood up took my bag and rushed to the toilet.

Misfortune once again.. I tripped onto a large electric plug as I was walking.. Fell in a kneel position and not able to stand up.. I struggled but legs were too weak. No one offered to help me every though so many ppl walked pass me. Finally one kind soul came and asked. I told him I could not stand up. He went to find the facilitator. a few facilitator came to my rescue with a medic box and I became the next centre of attraction. So embarrassing.!!! Now more than 10% of freshie discovered that I can't even stand up on my own.. But who cares..

Anyway, so excited about school re-opening, got to bid for modules on monday.

German Kid Totally FREAKS OUT over a Video Game!

LOL, is he mad?

I just discovered a new anime series "Ouran High Host Club" by chance. hehe. It's a very nice, funny and interesting series. So nice that I completed 17 episodes in just merely 2 days. lol. Here's a synopsis, courtesy of Wikipedia


"Ouran High School Host Club is a story involving a wide range of characters, which takes place primarily at Ouran High School where they all attend. The school is an exclusive institution reserved only for students from wealthy and affluent families. One exception, however, is scholarship student Haruhi Fujioka, a young girl from a lower-middle class family who tends to have a low threshold for gender identity.

One day, she begins to search through the vast campus for a quiet place to study, where she stumbles upon the Host Club - a group of six attractive male students who spend their time charming and entertaining the school's girls for profit. During their first meeting, Haruhi is shocked at their behavior which causes her to accidentally knock over a very expensive vase valued at ¥8,000,000. This causes Haruhi to contract a massive debt with the Host Club. In order to pay off the large sum, she is employed and eventually promoted to be one of the hosts of the club as a way to pay off her debt."

JunYang, 1st album. Sha Sha De Shui? 沙沙的谁



This is one very nice song by Junyang. In fact alot of songs in his album are quite nice.. Just that sometimes, I thought I'm hearing JJ Lin singing.. But with careful listening is it actually quite different, just that they have similar pitch.. No matter what, it's nice. I've always like to hear Jy sing since I first heard him on Project Super Star...

Jy seems to get more and more good-looking. Didn't know he's so handsome..

So what have I been doing recently? All i could think of are the videos and animes I watched.. and it's seems quite alot... So just let me recall those that I have already completed...

First is a very nice anime called Erementar Gerad, I suspect it has some relation to the anime "Air" coz the main female character Revely looks quite familiar.. Some synopsis of this anime, courtesy of animenfo.com




"Eden Raid was a lost tribe of magic users, but it started to grow in size again. They have the power to materialze into strong weapons with their "Pleasure"
One day on his Air Pirate journeys, Coud find a beautiful girl who is sealed in a tomb. Her name is Ren (Reveric Metherlence) who is a Eden Raid. "

Do watch this anime if you manage to find it, it's really nice, hehe, I cried at various interval.

Yeah!!! Yeah!!! I got the Lee Kuan Yew Scholarship to Encourage Upgrading.. Was so shocked when I open the letter box and saw a SMU letter. When I open the letter, was totally surprised, hehe..

This award is indeed prestigious, to be presented together with other awards like LKY Mathematics and Sci award, Prime minister book prizes etc. It comprises of one-off cash award of $3,500 and waival of school fees by the university if I don't have other scholarships on hand, coolz.

Thank you so much for selecting me..It's not about the money, so thrilled that I won an award/scholarship at national level and it's a recognition of my effort in school..Though already received recognition from TP, this is the highest and most honorable recognition I ever had.. hehe